Rough Drafts & Raw Photographs: Day 1

Stress balling up into lumps in my throat. They wonder why I am so small; genetics aren't the only thing at play here. I can't eat, I don't even want to bother with it. I can no longer enjoy the food I prepare. 

 Fear consumes me; hoping I don't get punished for something I did, something I didn't do, or for something that wasn't my responsibility to begin with. 

 I am tired of having a kind heart; feeling as though I have to do everything. I am tired of feeling pressured into being this perfect person I am not. I am tired of my life choices,  my uniqueness inside of me being mocked, or deemed not good enough.

 I am tired of living like a child, in fear and in hiding from the people who say they love me. From those who say they will help and protect me, but while they extend one hand out to me the other holds a knife.

 They wonder why I fear the outside world but if this is how my "home" treats me what can I expect from strangers who do not know me, who do not love me.

 Love. A word only humans use. They throw it around to show they care, but the question is: Do they? That word is misused and abused, just as we are. WE are not things, we are not machines. We are people. We have beating hearts that feels just as yours. Can't you see us? We are withing away. We are dying. 

 The truth is you can't. You can't see past your selfishness, your hate, your greed, your own inflicted misery, to see the people you are tearing apart slowly. 

 I don't feel wanted. I don't feel safe. I want to run away; but I have no where to go.

 I put on a mask. I try so hard to pretend I am okay. I am not okay. That is a lie.

I wake up hoping this is a dream, a nightmare. The sad truth is, this is my reality, a living nightmare. The worse side of me flourishes in this toxic atmosphere. My depression, my anxiety, my craziness just oozes out of me and lashes on the ones that don't deserve it. 

 Sometimes I cry when I think about the bad person, the evil witch I have become to those who deserve it the least. What happens if they decided to leave me too?

A New 1 Year Challenge for Myself

Let me start off with a 

 Though for myself this morning has not started out so great but it does not mean I can not hope others start out with a greater day.

 My world has become chaotic; my worries, my fears have become overwhelming to the point I feel as though there will never be light in my darkness again. Even though I know this is a bit, if not mostly irrational, but it does not mean I can stop myself from feeling this way.

 Lately my thoughts have been what can I do to let go of the extra stress? How can I unburden myself even just a small amount? My answer: I must get back into my writing. Then I came up with the idea, why don't I set up a challenge for myself?

 Everyday I will write something, most likely how I am feeling, what I am thinking that morning and snap a quick picture of myself as well for 1 year (at least I will try to stay on track for that long). The purpose: to document for myself that I can overcome my struggle, and that in time this too shall pass.

 I will call it "Rough Drafts & Raw Photographs", I will post my writing exactly how I wrote it most likely without much editing or revisions unlike I normally would before I post them. My photos will be the "rawest" anyone has seen of me well because it will show how I really am every morning. I will not be wearing my best clothes, or have my best face either. This is the real me, my real feelings everyday.

 The likelihood of the world seeing this, or understanding what I am doing is slim, but I am doing this for me. This will become my outlet; this blog will become the voice I do not have.

Wishing for a better tomorrow,
       Mama Snow

Found an Awesome new series

These lovely books here are written by Melissa Marr. I took my son to the library for the summer reading program and decided to see if I could find a book that would catch my eye; sure enough I found Wicked Lovely. The cover alone was why I picked up the book from the shelf, then I read inside and found it was a book about a faerie world that hooked me in and I took it home.  This series is an Teen/ Young Adult genre but regardless I enjoyed peeking into this world and seeing it unfold. I have finished reading the first three books within a week and a half, and plan on getting my hands on the next two books soon.

The first book brings you into a world where the faerie and the mortal world coexists but in secret...mostly. These faeries aren't your cute little Neverland faeries, some are "good" some are "bad" but nothing is exactly what it seems. Mortals cannot see the faeries unless they want to be seen, but Ash is different. She was born with the Sight which allows her to see the faeries but this gift is more like a curse; making living a normal life almost impossible. She fears the faeries for what they might do to her if they know she can truly see them. But soon it won't matter; she has been chosen to be a part of their world whether she wants to or not. The struggle for the right path begins here. 

Now an update about what is going on with my own books:
    I plan on my second book to be another poetry book. I have gotten together a binder full of poems I feel fits the theme I want for the second poetry book. Right now I am going through each one to see which ones are the best poems and what deserves the time of being edited. I am not sure how long the process will take to get from the drawing board to publish but I am determined to continue to publish books even though I am now a full time college student. 

May you all be blessed in your journey,
                                                 Mama Snow

Mama Snow Updates

Good Morning lovely people of the world!

I have been working on expanding my reach of Mama Snow Writes.

I just recently joined the community of Goodreads.com; My poetry book, The Color of Your Heart can be found here: Goodreads book page and you can find my Goodreads author page from there. The coolest feature of this Goodreads site was I am able to share a portion of The Color of Your Heart (about ten pages) for free always.

Do you know you can buy The Color of Your Heart on Amazon Kindle? You can and September 30 and October 1 I am having my Kindle free days; which means you can download a free full copy of my poetry book. So don't forget this Monday and Tuesday click here for your free copy for your eReader, smartphone, tablet, and or computer.

Don't forget to follow/and like to keep up with the latest updates:

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I love you all even if I don't know you cause you guys keep me moving forward even when I think I can't -Mama Snow

Life 9/19/13

Dear Fans,

Hello there! So much as gone on in these last few months. My son is now in kindergarten and I am officially a college student now (I am super proud of me and my son).

I am finally getting use to the swing of things and getting use to a new route. My English teacher is my biggest critic but I'm pretty sure it is just to make me a better writer. Last class I had with him he told the whole class "My job as a teacher is to be an ass hole." which had to be one of the funniest thing I've ever heard him say. Mr. Robbins (my English teacher) has a great personalty and can keep you interested in what he is saying no matter what the topic is. I hope I am able to get him as my creating writing teacher, that would be awesome.

Now for the next class I enjoy, but one of my hardest, is my Speech class. I gave my first speech Tuesday and got a B. I don't think I've ever been more proud of getting a B in my life. I was extremely nervous because I was unsure how my audience (my classmates) would take my speech. The guidelines are the speech can be about anything as long as it does what my professor asks for. So this first speech it just had to be a story that had a point. Well for some reason or another the only story I could think of was one of my short stories "The Faceless Princess". So while everyone had stories based off of their lives or something that was made up and realistic I told about a royal family, a wizard, and magic. Yup, I just had to be the one to go sci-fi.

One of the hardest things I had to do for the speech was taking my original short story with all of its details and frills and make it something that would last up to exactly three minutes while still keeping enough story so it still made sense to my audience. I did it though got up to the front of the class and told my story. Everyone loved it well exempt for one classmate, he is a party pooper so we won't include him and his opinions on it, but lets just say sci-fi isn't his thing.

There was about 4 reasons I got a B instead of an A:

• I wasn't loud enough (we have the nosiest AC I've ever heard in that classroom)
• I spoke too fast (oops lol)
• I spoke in a "pattern" (this is very curious thing to hear, I will find out exactly what that means soon)
• And my point wasn't presented at the beginning of my speech, even though it was in the middle and end. 

I've been in college for a month now and I really do enjoy it, even though it does take my time away from writing and editing my next book. I certainly do not take this opportunity for granted though. I know I need to expand my knowledge because when you learn more you grow more, and it shows up in your writing.

So how's your life going?
~Mama Snow (Miyuki)

My thoughts 7/5/13

It has been quite a while since I have posted anything on any of my Mama Snow Writes' outlets. Life has been busy for me, and I have been over stressing everything. Sometimes I let my anxieties and my fears of the unknown near future get the best of me. This tends to stop me from accomplishing the things I want in life. The best way to describe it is like a poison slowly killing the rational side of you and makes everything seem impossible even though deep down you know the truth. 

Last night I went on amazon just to "window shop" you could say then I noticed at the bottom where it says "things to consider" it showed my book and I noticed it showed that it had two reviews. I thought to myself a second review...I must read it. 

5 stars: " I loved the entire book; there was so much emotion in each passage that kept my heart beating with it. The poet really conveyed clearly with every word and I can't wait to see what she comes out with next!! I HIGHLY recommend this to anyone for a good read" 

My first reaction, I was left speechless. With over 80 Amazon Kindle downloads and just a handful of actual paperback copies sold but no real feedback I was left to wonder if anyone truly enjoyed the writing I have put my all into. Publishing my poetry has been a dream of mine for years now; so when I saw the chance to be able to publish my work as an Indie Author I just jumped right to it with no experience at all. But sometimes I thought was it worth it? Does my writing mean anything? Do my readers feel the way I felt when I wrote these words down? Was I able to touch someone's heart?

When it finally sunk in what I read I realized even if the whole world doesn't know that I am a writer. Even if there are people who read my book but it "wasn't worth their time" For those who were able to read my poetry and was able to feel my poetry, my journey in becoming an author was all worth it. As silly as it may sound reading this little passage has given me hope again to continue the path I am on. The Gods may not always speak to you and give you the answers you want but when you need it the most they do show you a ray of sunshine when the time is right on the glummest day. 

Writing Prompt: Her coffee cup slipped right out of her hand...

  Her coffee cup sliped right out of her hand and smashed into a thousand pices on the kitchen floor. Without even looking down she placed her hands to her face and broke down in tears, "What is wrong with me?" She thought, " How could I have let it come to this? What am I suppose to do now?" Then she heard the kids run down the staris. She quickly straighten up, wiped away the tears and began to clean up the boken cup on the floor. The kids all rushed into the kitchen all at once saying, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! When is Daddy coming back from his business trip?" "Whoa hold up" she said, "You haven't given Mommy a chance to drink her coffee. Now go to the living room and wait while Mommy makes you breakfast okay? I love you all." The kids all looked at each other and ran into the living room not saying another word. "Those kids," she said as she went to get another coffee cup out of the cabinet, "How am I going to tell them the truth?"